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Tis the weekend, finally, and I need it after the roller coaster of a week I had at work. The end result is good on most levels, but, we'll see. This weekend I am actually in the mood to do housework and spruce things up a bit. I have a couple projects to be done to install the new light fixtures, but those shouldn't be difficult and one is just going to take a while. But, the end result will be worth it since the ugly sunhat/flying saucer light in the dining room will be GONE! *celebrates*

Looking around we definitely need more artwork in this place, and I will be discussing the purchase of such with Dave. Both of us want to actually make it look like we live here, not just dwell here. hence, the light fixtures purchases. I'll post pics when they're done. :)

other than that, life's moving along. We got the HP laptop back so I can work again and Dave's new computer should be arriving in the next few weeks. I have less than a month til my birthday and Valentine's Day, and I am so glad that this year we're not moving on V-Day. One more year til I'm 30...

And that's about it. I'm going to clean up the office so I have a desk again and a proper place to work!


Soooo... Made it to the new year, and I'm currently prevented from doing much online or even creatively as the laptop is currently at HP getting he HDD replaced, and it ill likely be another 2 weeks before I have something to work on again. Bad- we lost some stuff off it, good- i backed up most of the pics that were on it.

I'm typing this, poorly, from the netbook and I am desperate to have the laptop back. Sure, I could use the mac for some stuff, but that requires a lot mre effort than I want to put in right now, since I am not mac friendly. Additinallym the kitten is occupying my lap along with the netbook.

not much else...

that was special...

So, our cable modem was apparently on its last legs, which was determined by it constantly dropping connection and after I replaced everything else (coax cable, cat5 cable, wi-fi router) it STILL had connection issues. We were getting by with constantly resetting the modem, typically once every few hours, until today.

Today Dave messages me and says he cannot get the network online. His wi-fi adapter can't connect to the internet, and his mac can intermittently. I come home, spend my lunch hour trying to get either of the wi-fi adapters on or getting at least both computer he needed on the network and talking (don't ask about our home network... it's a nightmare I haven't had a chance to tackle yet). Meanwhile, I'm also waiting on a chat to start with a Comcast rep so I can request a modem upgrade. Eventually, that gets granted and Dave realizes he can download the program he needs to run on the mac. I leave and return to work assured that we can exchange the modem tonight at the nearest Comcast office.

I had thought we'd be in luck since the closest comcast office is ten minutes down the road from us, and, according to the website and the rep, it is open until 6 PM. Perfect, we'll be a little close on time, but, we should get there with at least 15 minutes to exchange our modem before they close. I get off work, come home, pickup Dave and the modem, and we head to the Comcast office. We drive up and don;t even get to the parking lot since there is one lone car in the lot and a guy walking up the steps to a dark office. Dammit, comcast! The next closest office is another 20 minutes away, but since it is rush hour and it took us 15 minutes to go 2 miles, it takes the over 30 minutes. We get there, and the place is PACKED. We grab a number, and decide to grab dinner while we wait. Come back after the longest drive-thru experience ever (but, the food was tasty) and we have to wait through a whole 3 people until our number is called. Five minutes of waiting while out agent goes in the back (where I was half expecting her to bring our modem back out and tell us it was 'new'), and we get handed a modem and a power cable. Off to home, dinner, and another round of tech support.

Dave plugs the modem in and nothing happens. So, we eat. Afterward, I haul the laptop over, get it on the network, and start fiddling with the order I plug in and unplug the cables in the back of the modem (really technical stuff). Eventually I get it to the state where I think it's on and connected (no, Comcast did not deign to give us a setup CD or a manual or anything remotely useful. I suppose we could have waited the 3-5 days for one to come in the mail and get a tech appointment, but, we need internets now!). Bring up firefox, wait. Refresh the page enough times and suddenly the Comcast setup link appears. Huzzah!

Comcast cannot make anything that simple. I click on the customer link, which will ostensibly lead me to a page to download the setup program. Nope. Try again. nada. Third time's the charm, right? Nothing. So, I click on the technician link. Lo and behold, it goes somewhere and asks for my account number. I input that, it tells me I have no work order, brings up a 'next' button, and I click through, at which point it freezes. So, i refresh the page. I repeat this process three times, and eventually it tests the device and connection and I bring up a new tab and I'm online. The first thing I do? Go get the manual and a lovely pocketguide pdf to the lights and their meanings on the modem.

I discover somethign else while skimming the manual, and seriously wonder about Comcast's 'upgrade'- we now have a Motorola Surfboard SB5101, proudly made in 2005. We HAD a Scientific Atlanta DPC 2100, which was all of a year newer. I suppose only time will tell if this one survives, or if I can eventually get comcast to actually give me a brand new, never used, made less than 2 years ago modem. Or, I'll break out the 2003 era modem that I have and see if that works better. All that matters right now is that we're online and Dave's connected to the network again. But, Comcast, that was a very special evening.


So, I set up at Dave's desk to work. The boy sits with his chair as low as possible, which means I could not reach the desk to type. But, with that resolved I decided to work on the Etsy shop since, 1) I had started running an ad on a wedding site and 2) that ad effectively brought in 12x the amount of traffic I had just the day before. So, more hits, more impressions, and hopefully more sales. So, the plan was to work. Add some more stuff to my shop and talk to a client about her custom order. I got the latter out of the way and then realized, after opening the folder on the flash drive, that I had indeed not saved the needed listing blurbs to the flash drive but to the laptop.

which is in Houston.


Dave's e-mailing me the docs when he gets to his hotel and brings the laptop up. So, for now, I install Gimp and work on other designs.

Making green chile for the office tonight. It smells tasty. Apparently I was elected to make the stuff for the building's chili cook-off next week, so I thought I should give the office a taste of what they're entering. Tried a few new things this go around- sliced the pork roast into 1 inch thick slices and seasoned them with garlic salt & pepper, then seared them before they went into the crockpot. Added some bacon to the stock this go around and that seems to have worked nicely. We'll see how the stew itself comes out in the morning as it has to cook all night. Hatch green chiles, some tomatoes, 2 jalepenos, and 2 lbs of that pork goodness that was cooked to make the base. It's tasty, and the jalepenos should add some mice flavor and spice. I promise I'll save you some, Dave.

Other than that, there's not much else. I played IT today and installed new PDF programs on my boss' desktop and on his assistant's. My direct boss said she was proud of me and the way I've handled myself over the past week, pointing out that if all of this had happened last year I'd have lost it. So, I feel god about that, even if I am confused as all hell. Guess that's jsut the way it goes.

here I am

This week has been pretty good, albeit busy as all fuck at work. I've put in late nights most of the week, including staying til after 7 one night. ugh. But, despite being overwhelmingly stressed I've done a fairly decent job of keeping my reactions in check. Dave and I had one argument which turned into a two hour long discussion of things we need to address in our relationship. So, even with a lack of sleep I did a good job on Thursday!

Other fun things- I had a capillary burst in my left eye at some point Monday night so I look kinda creepy. No pain, and I had basically experienced all of the things that could have caused it over the past couple of days beforehand, so... Not worried, research indicates it will dissipate in 7-10 days, and I'll head to the doc's.

Still waiting on my niece to arrive. SIL had hoped to pop back on tuesday but nothing happened. Waiting... waiting... waiting...

today was shopping day as I had to buy 2 new bras (one broke last week and the other just today), bought a pair of pants for half off (yay! cheap pants!) and bought new fleece jackets for Dave and I so he won't freeze this winter and I'll have an alternative to the wool coat or the raincoat.

Waiting for dinner to arrive and starving.

more stress

Dave was in an accident this morning. He has told me (and the world) that he's a shaken, but okay. I received a couple text messages from him and got the rest of the information from his twitter feed. He went back to a friend's house, had hot tea and alcohol, and was headed to bed from the last message I received (10 AM while I was on the phone with my mother).

I'm glad he is okay.


It's 3 AM

This- none of this- is okay. It's not. I really don't know what I can and cant say on here, my own journal. after today. It's been a strange look, from people anonymously telling me that things will fall into place, to people telling me they love me and are praying for me (which does make me feel better and I'm a strong believer in the power of prayer, that's why i almost adopted a nun, but that's a story for another time), to being told that I have to help myself and not rely on people for support and expect them to do the work for me. I've had to suffer through my own anger and force myself to step back and try to calm myself a number of times today. What I don't think many people understand is just how difficult that is- it is not something that just happens, it has been a learned behavior, and one that I am far from mastering. I cannot count the number of times that I sat at my desk at work today trying not to cry for one reason or another.

I have not asked for help, I have not been looking for a crutch, I have not been making excuses during this period where I have been forced to look at myself and acknowledge the problem. I took the initial steps, I am trying to learn more about what's wrong with me, and I feel like I have just been beating this horse all day. I am not asking for Dave to fix me, I have not even asked him to come back. I haven't begged, I haven't pleaded, I haven't threatened, I haven't done anything that I would typically do in this situation. I know, because I did all these things when Dave mentioned taking time away from each other before. All I have done is proceeded to be open and as honest as I can be with myself and anyone reading this, and that honest will evolve over time as I move through these first steps. I have hope that I will be able to learn how to manage and live and be less of who I was and more of who I want to be. But, wanting support, wanting a friend, wanting a shoulder to cry on, wanting someone to talk to is not seeking someone to do this for me.

I don;t want to have to run around and constantly defend myself. I'm already under enough stress. Stress that is making me sick. I already had a fun bout of worshiping the porcelain goddess once tonight, and that's the main reason I'm up as it is. On top of that, I'm having to learn how to deal with my reactions to finding out little bits and pieces about what Dave is doing while I'm here alone. he's with friends, and I am not. I don't know what he's doing, I don't know much about how he feels about how things are going, don't know anything. I can come up with all sorts of things he could be doing, which causes me to resent him, but I don't actually know what he is doing. I only know what I am doing, which is struggling to start making a change.

I am not happy that we are not really discussing what is going on here. yes, we touch on it briefly, in one form or another, but, it's nothing of consequence. That I likely do resent more than I know, because I feel I am not the only one who needs to deal with this and that I am not the only one who is needing to work their way through a personal problem. I cannot, however, do anything about that right now.

Earlier I twittered abot the songs that reflect the way I feel about my relationship. 'My best Friend' is how I ultimately feel about Dave and my relationship with him, and it reflects the good times together. 'Save me', however, is how I am very afraid that this will end up, and I don;t want to be naked and all alone. Those of you who have known me for a while knew how I was when I was truly in that position of being alone, and how unhappy, depressed, bitter, and angry I was. I know some of you have told me that you've seen me change since I met Dave and began a relationship with him. Those of you who have only known me since I met Dave don;t have that comparison to make. I can't hold it against you, none of us can control or change that circumstance, and I really don't think it helps my position in your eyes to tell you that I have been much worse off before.

I want to go back to bed, I'm too tired to focus on reading my book (Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified), but my tummy is still too iffy for me to go to sleep with any confidence. I can't win tonight.


Oct. 9th, 2009

first of all, I love my friends. Thank you.

Secondly, I spent the evening working modifying the ray gun I bought for Dave last month.

I have gone from this:

(no, it was not this shiny or well painted when I got it. lol)

to this:

There's still a lot I want to do, so this is the rough start, but I think it looks better already. I also disconnected and removed the speaker so it is no longer obnoxious and screaming 'fire, fire *WHOOPWHOOPWHOOPBLASTBLAST* stop the gun! stop the gun!' when you pull the trigger. I may add some weight to where the speaker was to give it a bit better balance.

suicide isn't painless

Since it was asked about, I did try to commit suicide once. Obviously, it was a failed attempt, but, it wasn’t a good attempt in the first place.

I was in high school, it was an early fall day, and I’d done something to get in trouble so I was spending the afternoon in my room. I was mad, and so I started pounding on my window to get my dad’s attention. He ignored me, until I hit the window hard enough to break the inner piece of glass. I had a bit of glass stuck in my right wrist, all the way over in the bend where my wrist meets my hand. So, being pessimistic and depressed and upset I shoved it in further. My dad burst in just after this, hauled me across the hall to the bathroom and proceeded to clean me up and remove the glass while I watched with no interest whatsoever. It hurt, he put a plain old bandaid on it, and took a ¼ inch piece of glass out of the sink and shook his head.

Now I have a scar, and that was the first and last time I attempted suicide. Yes, sometimes the thought crosses my mind as a way to relieve the pain and to get the attention of others, but, not being a fan of physical pain, I am unlikely to ever do it again. I’m the one who makes a big to-do about a paper cut. That, and I tend to get attention from others in other ways, which is not healthy in the slightest, but, I acknowledge that and that is part of what I’m working on.

I’d attach a picture, but the phone would rather focus on the desk than my wrist. I do have a scar on top of the veins on the same hand from a cat who decided that my wrist would make a great brace for a flying leap off of me. And actually, that scar from glass is the only one that was ever intentionally self-inflicted.

So now you know.


Helping Myself

When did I say that I didn’t want to help myself? Does anyone think I enjoy living my life like this? That I am unaware of what happens in my daily life, that I am ignorant of the mood swings and problems that accompany them? Do you really think I enjoy this?

Yes, I am lashing out right now because your help, Mr. Ben, is not appreciated at this precise moment in time. I am sitting here, laying out everything bare for the world to see and admitting that I have a problem and yes, I want to do something about it, and you have the nerve to tell me ‘You have to help yourself, no one else can assist you unless you help yourself first.’

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Has nothing I have said or done shown that I am taking action, yes, for myself first? I shouldn’t expect anyone to give a damn about me for an unknown period of time until everyone else is satisfied that I am helping myself? That I shouldn’t expect support or compassion? I should just be a world alone to myself until you deem I have made the effort you desire of me? Please, oh please, tell me when I have met your expectations!

If I didn’t give a damn about myself I wouldn’t have gone to two stores last night to get what I need. I wouldn’t have spent what little cash I have on these items that even a month ago I would have considered frivolous. This has been in the back of my mind for some time. Yes, perhaps I did need a wakeup call like this to take action, but, please, do not assume that I am simply simpering for attention and doing this because of someone else. Yes, I am doing this for Dave as well as myself, I’m doing it for the world as well as myself, but I do realize I COME FIRST IN THIS.

I haven’t asked for anyone’s help, I have only asked for acknowledgement. My openness is my acknowledgement that I have a problem and I have to deal with it.